I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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