My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we made out on top of his cat.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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