im six kinds of drunk right now
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
