She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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