This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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