last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
