ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
