My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I met the friendliest cop last night
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
