I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
