I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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