my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
