I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
