I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
sarcasm needs its own font
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
