Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
