idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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