and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
