I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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