So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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