i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Welp...herpes.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
