I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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