Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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