i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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