There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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