I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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