watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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