i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
