You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
