Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
