i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
