I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I want a musical about memes.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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