The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
