He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
