He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
