I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
