Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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