You can't special order awesome
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
