This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
