bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
