Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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