we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
