Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
