i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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