Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
