Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize