If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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