If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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