I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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