I'm gonna have a badass scar
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
