You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
