Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize