im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She bit a glass in half.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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