what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
