quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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