Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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