you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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