wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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