Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
