On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
