I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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