I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
